Friday, October 26, 2007

Excuses, excuses...

Yesterday (Oct. 25th) would have been nine years with Keri. I think. Time tends to flow before we have any idea what's going on. It's an odd thing, really, how far I've come (and gone). I had just graduated college and was ready to start a new era. I don't even know how many eras I've been through since. A lot of people have come and gone, including Keri herself. The one thing I know I've become is more jaded.

This goes back to the whole "Pretending to be an asshole pep-talk" I received last week at my party, which ended with Tracey telling me that I've dated "too many crazy straight girls." When you consider that her statement pretty much encapsulates all of them, I guess she's right. They all ended up being crazy, one way or another. And one starts to wonder who is at fault here. Probably me, but it's impossible to date a gaggle of crazy women and not start to believe that women are all, in fact, a little crazy. When you flip it over, however, it's also possible to say that, "Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm too critical."

I'm not going to blame Keri for turning me into a cynic, though, because the truth was it was always there, festering under the surface. She just kept me positive most of the time. I think when I was with my friends I was myself (except when I was feeling particularly whipped, I guess.) Once we broke up, though, the gloves came off. It may have had something to do with all the Hell she put me through in the months following the break-up, but it was still always there. I was always this person underneathe. I was just looking for an excuse to be this way.

In the end, I think it had something to do with feeling I had to act a certain way (like being a goodie) to get people, especially women, to like me. Even when I was with Keri, I wanted to be liked by everyone, and before Keri, I wanted women to like me, because I thought it would lead to sex. Nowadays, now that I don't really care about people, especially women, liking me, I don't go around trying to be a goodie. I do what I feel is right, but more out of a sense of duty than being a nice guy or getting into Heaven, because the ugly truth is, most of the time, I just don't give a damn.

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