Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Indifference of Heaven

Yesterday was apparently Valentine's Day.  Now, it's not a day I traditionally observe, like Guy Fawkes Day or Yom Kippur, but i usually am aware of it's presence.  In fact, in the past, I often hated it with such a passion, that I think if i put that much passion into celebrating it, I wouldn't have had to hate it because I would have had some love to celebrate.  Granted, hate is always much stronger than love, but maybe even a portion of that hate would have done the job.

I even believed that I once had a tradition of writing something scathing and bitter every Valentine's Day, but a look at some past February blog posts has yielded nothing of the sort.  I only went back a few years, but I think that was sufficient.  Enough to tell me that the hatred is gone.  Replaced by love's true opposite: indifference.  Not only did I not hate Valentine's Day, it barely registered.  And I wonder if I'm the only one.  I'm sure the cards were bought and flowers were sent, but not too many people even talked to me about it.  Perhaps out of fear?

Anyway, Valentine's Day is simply one of many things that I have chosen to feel indifferent about.  In fact, other than money, which I worry about quite a bit, I'm pretty much indifferent about everything.  Years ago, when my engagement was literally flushed down the toilet, the Hate E-mail that my ex wrote me soon after blamed me for the entire break-up, saying that I had crushed her "loving spirit" with my indifference.  When my last girlfriend announced she wanted to move back to Connecticut to be closer to her family, I pretty much said, "Have fun!"  This is who I am, apparently, and to be honest, it's starting to bum me out a little.  I mean, how do you make yourself care all of the sudden?

Lately, I've been trying to seek out the little things that I used to enjoy.  I watched some old cartoons including Disney's animated Robin Hood and the original Transformers series.  I downloaded "Sweet Child o' Mine" from Amazon the other day.  I even bought a box of Fruit Roll-ups a few weeks ago.  All in an attempt to find something that I won't be indifferent about.  I don't believe my life is going to be significantly turned around by cartoons, Slash or rubbery, sugary faux fruit products, however.  A greater shift is required.

Or not.  Who knows, really? 

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