Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I might have a problem... Might
None of the people who have said it's no big deal to turn 35 have a huge collection of Jokers. In that, I stand alone.
In fact, I'm not exactly ashamed of this fact. The Joker is an icon, after all. Not some silly cartoon character, but equal parts jester, clown, lunatic and sociopath. Some have actually analyzed him the way scholars pull apart Hamlet or Macbeth. I haven't, because while I like to believe that I am so intelligent that I could come up with a really accurate psychological profile of the Man Who Laughs, the truth is I just think he's pretty cool looking.
So, it's not the bookcase full of Jokers at 35 that makes me feel strange, because everybody needs something to do. Maybe it's more what I don't have at 35 that gives me pause. Namely, anything else. Poll most 35 year-old males in this country and I'm sure a large percentage will have one, if not all, of the following items; car, house, spouse, offspring, place of worship and a semi-regular vacation destination. My life is bereft of all of these things.
While I am almost 100% to blame for this, some look at my life and think that I have the freedom to go and do whatever I want all the time. Except now at 35, I feel like the list of "whatever I want" has gotten smaller. I really don't find myself wanting to do much of anything any more. I think what these people mean is they wish they didn't have the obligations they do. And probably wish they too could come home from work, take a nap, cook some hot dogs and eat them in front of the TV, before surfing the web a bit and then going to bed. But that's basically it. So, sorry to burst the bubble, but the whole freedom thing isn't so glamorous.
Still, what exactly should I be doing? Solving the climate crisis? Owning things for the sake of owning them? I honestly don't want a car or a house. Or offspring. I figured out awhile ago that you can't take anything with you, and while it's nice to have something to offer when you're courting someone of the opposite sex, I find experience is the best currency anyone can have. Besides, if you are doing anything like that simply to get someone to sleep with you, then your problems run deeper than you think.
I don't really have any answers on this one. All I really know is that years ago I made a decision to live my life this way, basically on my terms, and I have done that. Yes, I have searched for that special someone, and yes, the search continues, but even that is on my terms. And yes, holidays and certain other occasions are boring when you're mid-30's and alone with your Jokers. But the bottom line is, what, really, would I change st this point?
Perhaps I'm not the best-suited to answer that. Any ideas?
Posted by Matt Dursin at 10:57 PM