Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Trouble Finds Me. I Swear

Everything around me seems to be on its ear. Everyone I know is breaking up or messing around or estranged in some way. As if I needed any more incentive to stay on my own. Not that it's exactly my choice. My sole prospect informed me today that she's seeing someone else. Someone who is no doubt much younger and less bald.

I, however, never seem to change. I keep chugging along, day after day, night after night, bar after bar. I mean, I think the ratings on The Dursin Show are still solid, but the storylines are mostly about everyone else. Most of mine are one-offs. But still very good stories. Take the other night, for example.

I went out with some people for my friend's birthday celebration. My friend was the only person I would know who would be attending, but I have this thing about birthdays, and drinking, so I went. She had sent out various facebook messages detailing the events of the evening, so while everyone else journeyed into the city with her in a rented limo, I met them at Dick's Last Resort, where I will only go again if it was actually my last resort.

One member of the party was quite a bit louder and more belligerent than the rest. He arrived and informed the bartender that there was a special lady coming and she needed something special. The bartender had no idea what that would be, but he would serve us whatever we wanted. We ended up with several 24 oz. Miller Lites and some kind of strange wine. This belligerent man also announced to my friend that the bartender would have sex with her. Yep, he was one of Those Guys.

Now, I did not speak to this man all night (although I did drink one of his beers. Why not? No one else was drinking that crap.) When we left Dick's, this guy claimed he could get us in anywhere in the city without waiting in line. My friend had no preference, but wanted to go where there was dancing. We ended up at the Black Rose, where there is, in fact, no dancing. My friend promptly left and headed to the Hong Kong, one of those shitty Chinese restaurants that turns into a nightclub. This place was $5 to get in, and when my friend wanted to go upstairs to dance, I paid her $5 cover for that (What kind of dick place has two covers?) I did this as part of my birthday thing, because I feel people should do what they want and enjoy themselves. After a few minutes, The Guy was back, along with some of the other members of the party. I stood by while they were saying something in her ear, but in the loud club, I had no idea what it was. Suddenly, The Guy pie-faced me for no reason. For the uninitiated, it's basically like you are shoving a pie in someone's face, sans pie, so you're just sticking your hand in their grill. So, yeah, a big meaty paw in my face.

So I popped him.

I probably haven't hit someone since I was eleven, and to be honest, I didn't really make any solid contact, or cause any harm. In fact, the bouncer took me right out of there before anything could escalate, and the guy at the door was quite nice, in fact. But, yeah, I got thrown out of another bar, this time for actually doing something, although it was certainly not provoked. I can only assume that he assumed I was putting the moves on my friend, but I certainly was not. maybe he was just mad about the beer I drank.

As I was on the street putting my jacket on and getting ready to go home, the party came out and I was signalled by one of the more sober members. this guy was kind enough to ask if I was going in the limo or needed a ride anywhere. I told him I was fine with taking a cab. As we walked past The Guy, he said, "I'll find you!" Which was odd since I was right there. I just told him to relax. The funny thing was I found him, on facebook, and saw pictures of his young son, which means not only did he get laid at least once, but that he is supposed to be some kind of role model. I wonder if he would encourage his boy to shove people around for no reason. Pay attention now, people. This is what happens when assholes procreate.

What I don't understand is why this stuff happens to me. Is it strange that I am always finding my way into weird situations by doing absolutely nothing except going with the flow? It's not like I get together with my friends and say, "Let's go fight!" or "Let's harass people until we get tossed out." In fact, the one time my friend Paul and I tried to get tossed out, we couldn't. Is it because I need stuff to write about on here? Is it because the universe needs my stories? Am I just a bad person and a magnet for trouble?

I wish I knew.

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